dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
