How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
