Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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