what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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