Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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