Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I enjoy the company of your penis
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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