Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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