you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
40s are totally the cure
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
