I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
