I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
