I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
