youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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