I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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