smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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