How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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