I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
