she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize