just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
