I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize