If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
