I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
