Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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