I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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