her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
