you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
