If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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