So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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