dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
