i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
