it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
