whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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