Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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