No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
