if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
