i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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