Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
