Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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