guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize