Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
