I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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