ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
