If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
