I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
