My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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