I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
