i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
