He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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