My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
