I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
