Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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