It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
