So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
