you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
