if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
