Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I supernannyed him into submission
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize