Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
