She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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